Abused, betrayed, and redeemed. - A conversation with Trevor Maljaars - Episode 14

June 8, 2024

Abused, betrayed, and redeemed. - A conversation with Trevor Maljaars - Episode 14

Trevor: [00:00:00] Like, won't dump in my mouth either, right?

Kyle: Uh, probably not. No.

Trevor: I can do like, tell my kids not to be able to swallow it. I always swallow it.

Uh,

so why did it green screen that works so well?

Kyle: I have no clue.

I'm just

a nobody.

Trevor: So if I need a break or anything, like we just stop recording or just say

Kyle: Yeah, literally. Just like, pretend we're not recording. Just say, Hey, I need to go take a piss. Or, Hey, I'm thirsty. Because you can just cut that out. Yeah.

Trevor: Okay. Or if there's, [00:01:00] if there's a question you ask, I'd like, Hey, can we just talk about that off for a sec and then kind of figure out how I want to word it before we record it?

We just,

Kyle: yeah. Yeah, you can, yeah. I mean, as much as possible you wanna just have a con conversation and just like talk through it. Be like, I'm not actually sure, or just like, okay. Okay. As like, we're not. We're not. No, I

Trevor: think that question you asked me at the end, like when you said you want me to just like speak into the camera, I think then that's one where I wanna stop and like really think about what I want to word.

Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Right, because I think that was something where, okay, you said, Hey, like, speak to people that I haven't like come out yet or whatever. Yeah. So I think we should stop how to stop for a second. Just formulate Yeah. What we should say there.

Kyle: Yeah.

Um, so what I have right now is I have wel, uh, welcome, uh, sponsored by Lockbox Warning for the content of today's show. Just tell [00:02:00] people what's coming up so they don't, no kids listen, whatever, um, tell a story about how we know each other. They'll do that and then we'll just get into it. Um, we just, just tell the whole story to basically today and then Like, my life, yeah, yeah.

Life story. And then the lessons to be learned for the church, parents protecting their kids, um, abuse victims, um, not coming out or I guess that's cut out more that topic at the end. But I feel like there was one other thing that we, we wanted to talk about.

Trevor: Um. I think that was, it.

Kyle: Wasn't there like a couple things that Claire text said? Like, Hey,

Trevor: oh yeah, that was like, just about the, the church, right. Where the people in the church where there will be like, Hey, if you're gay, you're out of the church. Like, we'll kick you. Oh yeah, we'll actually communicate you.

But if you're a pedophile, like we'll cover you. Like we'll take you.

Kyle: Oh,

Trevor: like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna like [00:03:00] throw a church like, but like, just as, as, as,

what's the word? Like, just to compare, to bring to light. Like what we allow and what we don't allow. Yeah,

Kyle: yeah, yeah. Like, like Yeah. Did the work for, yeah. Okay. Grab the mic, put a little closer. Like more towards your chest, more like,

yeah. And then down a bit. And then turn it in. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Just, yeah. Basically. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna pray. First, I believe Father as, uh, me and Trevor, I'm about to record here and to share his story, I ask that you would just be with us and that you would give me just a calmness and just a normalness and that, [00:04:00] and that I would ask good questions and, um, facilitate the conversation well, um, that I wouldn't be thinking about.

How this might be perceived or taken by other people when they listen to it later. But that I would just, um, be faithful in telling the story of redemption that you have given Trevor and I asked that he would be with him as well, and that he would just be able to forget about all the noise or how it might be taken by others, but to, um, be faithful to what you in sharing the story and what you've done in his life, and that you would use this, um, for the salvation of other people that you would use this to for the healing of other people, that you would use this for the prevention of other people being abused and ultimately that this would be a plus in this world.

Um, and not a and not a negative. And Lord, I ask that you would keep us from thinking about the amount of views or, um, [00:05:00] how we will be perceived by some after this, the Lord, that we would just hold onto that we are your sons and that we are brothers in Christ, and that we wanna follow you well. Um, anything else?

I forgot, Lord, I, I lay that before you as well and ask that you would give us peaceful heart, surrendered hearts, just to have a, a good chat and, uh, and that you would use it in your name I pray. Amen. Amen.

Trevor: You don't hear the trains on the thing.

Kyle: And these mics are really good. Oh, okay. So they basically can pick up, they're designed to pick up just your voice because I was gonna actually get lab mic so you don't like, it sits on your, just in your shoulders so you don't have this thing in your face, but it doesn't work nearly as good.

Okay. I'm just gonna double check if it's recording here.

Trevor: And how much of my body showing, just so I know all my has on there. Yeah. So if you seen me go like this hands, I think just your

Kyle: feet aren't, [00:06:00]

Trevor: oh, okay. That's fine.

Kyle: Okay.

Yeah.

Um.

Yeah, I'm good. Okay, guys, welcome back to another episode of The Fur. A Curious Show. Uh, appreciate you being here. Um, today's, uh, episode is sponsored by Lockbox. That's one of these guys. I use this to, uh, put my phone in, um, or other stuff if I don't wanna use it for a while. So just to, uh, not be distracted, um, while I'm hanging out with my kids or, uh, um, with my [00:07:00] wife or other things like that.

Sometimes I'll put it in there for a weekend for 48 hours. Um, you can just set the timer for however much time you want. Sometimes I do it in the evenings. Um, get home for work, uh, four 30 till eight 30, whatever. Put it in there. I just want it useful. So, uh, there's a link in the description if you wanna get one.

Uh, uh, pays me a little bit of money when you buy using that link. And, uh, so I can keep creating awesome content as well and, and make the show better and, uh, down the road as well. So, uh, that's that. Also just, uh, warning for today's show. Um, it's Trevor's story, who's with me here. Um, and, uh, it's about sexual abuse.

And so we're gonna go and tell that whole story. And so I just wanted to say that up front in case, um, someone's listening that, that it might, uh, trigger you or, um, if there's kids listening. So, but yeah. So I know Trevor from Freedom Sessions. Yeah, we did, uh, the freedom session of the class that we did, uh, through our church, central community church.

Um, which basically, um, takes you down a pretty [00:08:00] crappy road in the sense that you have to talk about everything that's ever happened to you, um, in, in a negative way, any way you've also hurt anybody else. Um, and, uh, basically just put that out in the open and, and heal from it. So me and Trevor were in the same group, and I know Trevor a little bit from, uh, we went to the same high school as well.

And so, uh, but it's a, for me, an amazing story of, um, grace and the gospel and the power and it, so I asked Trevor, I said, do you wanna tell the story? Come on the podcast, tell the story. And, uh, he said, yes. So that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna talk about that, tell the whole story, and at the end we'll, um, talk about some of the, the lessons as well, um, for the church, um, for, uh, for parents that are, um, listening and want to protect their kids, um, and or if, uh, for victims.

So, I mean, I think the stats are what pretty high. It's like one in, what'd you say the other day?

Trevor: It had one in, uh, one in four males and one in one in seven females

Kyle: are abused victims of sexual abuse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I mean, think about it. If you're in a room of, uh, [00:09:00] you know, um, 20 guys, uh, or a hundred guys, there's 25 of 'em that have been, um, sexually abused.

So it's super high. It doesn't get talked about a lot. It's something that I'm passionate about in, in bringing to light. 'cause I think once things, um, get out in the open, there's less chance of. Uh, it hap it happening more, right? There's just protection for, um, victims. Um, there's also a lot of injustice in here in Canada.

I'm not sure, um, where you're, uh, listening from, but here in Canada, uh, the, uh, what is the justice system is just really bad. It's very little justice.

Trevor: It's broken, right? Like, I don't know, sexual abuse is still a taboo subject. Yeah. Not many people want to talk about it. Um, gets kind of covered up quite a bit and yeah, it's,

yeah, I don't know. It's not something that's talked about and it's almost shame to talking. Yeah. Right. [00:10:00] Like yeah. For years I was scared to be known because of that. Right. Like, people would know what happened to Trevor. He wasn't gonna have any friends, he wasn't gonna have a life.

Kyle: Yeah. Right. But that gotta change.

Yeah. Okay. So Trevor mal jars, you are 36 5. 34 34. Yeah. Um, maybe just start from the beginning and then, uh, I'll just an ask questions as we go along.

Trevor: Okay. Yeah. Like Kyle said, um, 34 years old, um, was born and raised in Chillow here. Um, I come from a very large family. I am number seven out of 10 in the family.

I've got, um, seven brothers, two sisters. Um, I was born and raised on a dairy farm. My dad had a dairy farm. Um, that was an awesome life to live, right? Like I could step outside and I had acres of field. We had a [00:11:00] dirt bike growing up, quads growing up. Life was, life was supposed to be great. Life was going to be great.

Uh, I could start working at a young age, was looking forward to it all. But, um, yeah, God had different plans for my life. Um, starting in, uh, the earliest I can remember is grade five. Um, uh, a family friend of ours took home from school one day and he said, oh, I just have to stop to my house on the way home.

I'm like, oh, okay, whatever. It was on the way home from school. Like, he lived right around the corner from us and like, that's fine. Yo, do you wanna come in? I grab a snack and I'm like, this is really weird. But he's a family friend and he kind of look up to him and he was always around the house.

Kyle: How, how old is he at that

Trevor: time?

He would've been grade 11 or grade 12, so that would be 17. Okay.

Kyle: 17. And you were

Trevor: grade five, so that's nine. Okay. Yeah, I think eight, nine. [00:12:00] Yeah. Right. So yeah, he went to his house and he goes, his bedroom, he locks the door and I'm like, buddy left off. I'm like, man, something's not right. And uh, yeah, that's.

Where it all started, right? Like started small, a little bit of touching and, and then I'm like, this isn't right. But he, yeah, don't tell nobody. And I'm like, well, it's not right. Anyways, it was short. A little bit of grooming and he got what he wanted, I guess. I don't know.

Kyle: And, and, and when you say family friend, like, like your parents were friends with that, his parents or like how did, how did you know him?

Like why would he take you home from school?

Trevor: Uh, he was friends with one of, one of one of my brothers. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. My oldest brother. So, yeah, he was friends with him and he used to be trusted, so, and then, yeah, I remember going home that day. He dropped me off at home and I walked in the kitchen and mom was like, how was your day?

And I'm like, I wanna tell her everything. [00:13:00] Like, I want to tell her everything. But this wall of shame came up and I couldn't, couldn't tell her. I should have never did. But why you get the shame around sexual abuse and getting touched when you're not supposed to and knowing it's wrong, but yeah, it was just weird sense of shame.

The walls went up and

Kyle: so it's not like your parents weren't safe people to share it with. It was just like the shame was so heavy that you couldn't

Trevor: Yeah, yeah. No, they were, they were safe people to share it. Like they were always there, like talk to whatever, right. But there is just that, I don't know, it's hard to explain.

It's like when do something wrong and it's like, oh shit. I dunno if I'm supposed to say that. Yeah. Whatever. Uh, I just couldn't tell, I couldn't do it. Like, I don't know if I was scared of the consequences of telling or if what he said, like, I know he has some guns in his house, and as a 9-year-old kid, you're like, man, this is scary.

Like, what's going on? Like, what is happening to me? Right. [00:14:00] And what's everyone else gonna think if this guy was touching me? Mm-hmm. Right. Like just everything just made it weird. Yeah. So you're just scared to tell, like, you don't wanna, don't want to talk. So yeah, that was grade nine, the first time it happened and it just escalated from there, like for the next, over the next two years that Shabo.

Um, and he would take me home from school or Saturday mornings he would call my mom, Hey, can you want, can, can somebody come help me clean the garage? And Oh yeah. Trevor, Trevor, you can go. And I'm like, mom, I don't want to go like, like, I, I don't want go. Like she said, no, you're going, you can help him out.

I mean, if mom would've known, she would've not let me go. Right. Yeah. So in a sense, I did it to myself because I never talked, but yeah, we never cleaned the garage. Right. He takes me down to his room again and locks the door and, and, uh, yeah. He abuses you again and, and

Kyle: it was just getting progressively worse, I'm assuming?

Trevor: Oh, yeah. Every single time. He just pushed it [00:15:00] further and further. Like it starts with a little bit of touching and then it just, it just got worse from there. Yeah. And then the way he kept coming back was bribe. Right. Like, um, back in the day, trading cards, hockey cards was a big thing. Um, and he knew it and he was like, oh, I can win Trevor with hockey cards.

And there was a store, I don't remember what it was called, she'll walk here, we went there, I think he dropped like three or 400 bucks on hockey cards for me, like, just to keep me quiet. And I'm like, well, if this is how I control what's happening, then we're gonna roll with it. Like,

Kyle: and how, what do you mean control?

Control? What's happening? Like,

Trevor: well, there's no stopping it. Okay. Yeah. Right. Like, I couldn't stop him. I would say no. And he'd be like, oh, come on, like I'll buy you this or I'll do this, or, and I'm like, no, he's, what if I, what if I get you this? And I'm just like, okay, finally just say yes.

Kyle: So manipulation and, yeah.

Trevor: Yeah. Like he would just, and then he gets you with what you like, we like trading hockey cards back in the day and let's just get [00:16:00] Trevor some hockey cards. 'cause he's going to be happy. He's not gonna talk. You give him that. Right. So it starts with things like that. Um, dairy Queen, like, he'd always buy blizzards and stuff like that.

Kyle: And so you would be just going to Dairy Queen with a 17-year-old, just you and him.

Trevor: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He would go there and whatever size blizzard you go on, like kinda like, oh, great ice cream. Like, oh yeah. Like, I don't know. They, they find what you like, like the pedophiles would find what you like and then we'll use that on against you.

Right. Like, so, and then that's how he got his way right. So, yeah. It just progressively got worse and worse. And so

Kyle: you're, you're in grade five is, this is starting all the way to end of grade seven roughly.

Trevor: Uh, grade five, I think. End of grade? No, beginning of grade seven, he turned himself in. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it was early October in when I was in grade seven. So I'm trying to think of year, well, 2007, um, grade seven, I was, that's 2001. That's when [00:17:00] the twin towers were attacked, right? Yep. Yeah, because it was the same year. Okay. That happened that he turned himself in like a month later or something like that.

Okay.

Kyle: So, and so a as you're at, you're in grade five, this is starting to happen to you. It's progressively getting worse all the way to grade, all the way through grade six. Yeah. All the way to seven. Like, what did this do to you as a kid? Like it was completely secretive. Only you and him knew while it was happening, right?

Yeah. And, and so like, how, how did this show up in your behavior at home? Your, like your, your behavior at school, your grades, like, or your injured? Did you get depressed? Like what was happening?

Trevor: Well, I know for one thing, like my parents noticed after the fact was that my grades at school just dropped. Um, I didn't wanna go to school anymore.

Um, another thing mom has mentioned was whenever he would come over, we'd go hide and she like, just thought it was kids being weird, right? Like

Kyle: he, when he would come to your house and

Trevor: we'd come over, we'd go hiding

Kyle: and he would, he would abuse you there too.

Trevor: Yeah. And I say we, because it wasn't just me and my family.

Like there's a couple others, [00:18:00] right? So, um, yeah, we just go into hiding or runaway or a

Kyle: couple others. Like he would have several, like a group of people. Abuse at the same time, or, or are you? No. Separate occasions. Oh, separate. He was abusing other kids as well? Yeah. From different families. Yeah. So your own family?

Trevor: My family, and I know for sure two other families. Okay. Um, and then also other siblings within my family. Okay. Yeah. So, and then within our family, nobody knew, like the other sibling, nobody knew what was happening to the other brothers. Um, so yeah, he'd come over and, uh, yeah, we'd go hiding grades, were dropping.

Um, I can remember just being angry and not wanting to make friends, like just surface level stuff. Right. Like, I would be friends with people, but kind of, if they actually knew what was going on, it'd be even worse. I wouldn't have any friends. Hmm. Right. So it was just, just keeping like shame, shame

Kyle: just kept, yeah.

Trevor: Just [00:19:00] keeping things simple. Just friends enough just to get by. And, um, that was about it.

Kyle: So all the way to grade seven. And so this is going on. And what messages are you telling yourself in your head? Like, are you, are you, do you, were you blocking outta your head or were you, were you,

Trevor: oh, you just block it out?

Okay. Yeah, you just completely block out like, uh, my daughter now she's 11. And she'd be like, Hey dad, tell me something about you. Remember from grade six? I'm like, don't know. Yeah, don't know. And she said, what do you mean you don't know? I'm like, grade five six blocked out. Don't remember. And she's like, well, why?

And I didn't tell her back when she was asking, but after Freedom session and stuff like that, we talked a little bit about my story because I don't want it happening to her. But it was just, it's just a black out, I don't remember.

Kyle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I have the same thing with my childhood. Yeah. Did did. But when you were in grade six, were you at that time thinking about, do you remember at that time thinking about like what he was doing and, and why he was doing it?

Did you have like questions like, why is this [00:20:00] happening? Um, you know, I wanna tell my parents but I can't. Or like, did you start feeling calling yourself names and saying, I must be worthless, or a piece of shit? Or like,

Trevor: yeah. Yeah. You run with a worthless title or you run with the title and if you tell, no one's going to believe you 'cause it's gone on for so long.

So why would you tell now? Right? Because like grade six is a year into it, so why would tell earlier, right. So yeah, no one's going to believe you run through Workless feelings. But it's more, at least from my, my own personal experience when it would happen is eventually he would just take you to where, wherever he was, and he'd just say, yeah, here have at her, right?

Like, just do what you gotta do. And he'd always be like, put a timer on it. He'd be like, oh, Trevor, come on. It's like five minutes. Or like, come on Trevor, it's 10 minutes. Right? And I'm like, okay. So if it's only gonna be that short of a period of time, I can control it. Mm. Right. So if I can control, you know, what's gonna end?

Do you know? I know, I know there's an end. And I would watch that clock, like he had a clock in his room and I'd just watch it. [00:21:00] Like, and as soon as that time went up, boom. Done. And that was it. And then off you go again. Yeah. And it was just all these stupid little, like, just 10 minutes and done and you remember it, you block it out.

Mm-hmm. You block out shit like you don't remember, like basically don't remember your life. It was like you're just in survival mode.

Kyle: Yeah.

Trevor: So

Kyle: I think that's a really important thing to remember that for anybody listening is that it is just five or 10 minutes. Like when I think about abuse, I always think like it's like, uh, it's sleepovers or which I think it is.

I mean, think people should be careful with that stuff too, with their kids, but like, that's like extended periods of time that you're with this person. But it could literally be five minutes at a time. So if your kid is seeing an someone that is a potential like, um, a five minutes a week, that's all it could be.

Trevor: Well, that's all they need for the grooming time, right?

Kyle: Yeah.

Trevor: Right. Like we only did one overnight trip where he, where he abused me, but other than that, it was all these five, 10 minute times. Like just [00:22:00] coming home from school, go to his house, go to a sta if he cleaned his garage. It was always very short

Kyle: time.

Very short time. And so it happened at his house? It happened at your house? It happened on Mount Sham. You said like a local mountain here?

Trevor: Yeah. So it happened mostly at his house, um, camping once and then he took me for a drive up the front side of Mountain Champ. And um, he's, yeah, yeah, you wanna drive my truck?

And I'm like, oh, which 10-year-old doesn't wanna drive. Like he always jump big, lifted trucks and Yeah. I'm like, what? 10-year-old doesn't want drive a truck? Right. And yeah, he took advantage of me with that and he like, well, I'll let you drive a truck if you do this. I'm just like, here we go again. Right.

Like another bribe. Yeah. So, but go, you go in survival mode, let him do his thing and then you get re a reward again. Right. Like

Kyle: and what do you think, like as you, um, I've talked to your parents about this now in hindsight. Um, like hit me. I would never let my, my son go with what the knowledge I have now.

Of course. And, and, and, and, and having talked about it with other people. Go with this another [00:23:00] guy for a date to Mount Champ. Yeah. Like it that, have you talked to your parents about that? Like how some of these things happened? Or was it just like, it was just what, what made it not even a, a fat fathomable thought in your parents' mind?

'cause they of course love you and wanna protect you and so they Yeah.

Trevor: Yeah. I like lack of

Kyle: edu, lack of education around it. Let's never go talked about,

Trevor: you know what, 'cause we're talking, this is, this is, oh, I'm 35 now, so that's. 20 plus years ago, like sexual abuse was not talked about. Well, I don't even think it was on the radar of anybody really?

Yeah. Because remember when the case came out, everyone's like sexual abuse, like what is it? Yeah. Right. But now we're talking like it's 2024. Yeah. And it's out there. Yeah. Like, and it's happening. And it could be 'cause of social media you hear a bit more often and in the news and this and that. Right. But yeah, back in the day it wasn't really talked about.

Yeah. Right. So when our case came out, it was kind of a new, a new thing within the church.

Kyle: Yeah. Okay. So you, so, [00:24:00] uh, this is happening and all of a sort one day your parents say, Hey, we got a call that Richard turned himself in.

Trevor: No, no, no, no. We were, we were, we were outside playing hockey. So what we love to do is the boys and the family, we were outside playing hockey on a Tuesday night and, uh, two cop cars pulled in.

Okay. Like, what's going on? Right. I mean, my older brother was a little bit crazy. Yeah. And it wouldn't be out of the norm to see the police show up. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to my parents out, my older brother being foolish again. Yeah. Yeah. So we continue playing our hockey game. The neighbor kids were over and probably half hour goes by, cops leave again.

And they were friendly. Hey, as they go and Austin gets a call from the house and neighbor, Hey, you gotta go home. Everybody get inside like, oh crap. So we go inside. I'm like, parents are. Just beside themselves, like, as you can imagine, [00:25:00] like,

Kyle: like bawling or balling

Trevor: their eyeballs out and, and they're like, oh, Richard turned himself in, or, I can't remember exactly how they said it, or You gotta gotta go to the police station because Richard turned himself in or something.

They're just like, oh no. Alright. Like, here we go. So that's what we walked into just a firestorm. So yeah, that was, that was a Tuesday night. And then,

Kyle: and, and so all the brothers that um, were abused all went together or the whole family went, or,

Trevor: uh, dad took us with five of us. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, we got to load up and off to the police station that night and I don't think we got home until like 1 30, 2 o'clock in the morning.

Kyle: So how did that go? I mean, I mean, I know from your story, 'cause I've heard it a bunch of times before, but on the drive to the police station, your dad said something that had an impact on you.

Trevor: Yeah. So I, yeah, still driving there. Nobody was saying anything. It was like

Kyle: you didn't even know why you were gonna cops cop station yet.

Trevor: Yeah, I don't, kind of, [00:26:00] but not really. 'cause I didn't want to know, because Yeah, we should also mention, I thought I was, I, I was going to jail for this. Okay. Yeah. Right. So going to the police station, oh boy. Like I'm in trouble now. Like, I messed up, I screwed up. Like why could I let it happen? Yeah, right.

Because it got to the point, like the abuse where it was like, just have at her. Right. Like I, it's gonna happen, so I'll just let it happen. Yeah, right. So driving to the police station, I'm like, I'm in trouble. Right. And, and

Kyle: you have to remember, you're 11 at this point, right? Yeah. If you go, like, so if someone's listening, like think of like, don't think of Trevor now think of like an 11-year-old kid.

Yeah, yeah,

Trevor: yeah, yeah. You're just, you're just a kid, like, just just about going to your adolescence years, right? Yeah. Like what, what more do you need a life than thinking you're gonna go to jail at, at uh, 11? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We driving to the police station. I still remember exactly the corner he, where her and the house I was looking at when my dad said this.

And all he said is why didn't you guys say anything? That was the only thing he said to the, like, on the drive to police station that night. And um, yeah, we go to [00:27:00] the cop shop. And,

Kyle: and, and, and your reason why, as in your, your 11-year-old mind was there was just too much shame or there was just there like there Oh yeah.

Trevor: It's like, why? Like, I'm thinking like, come on dad. Like why would I say something like, do you not know what he did? Like the shame, the guilt and like just the dirtiness that you feel just from what he did? Yeah. Right. Like, um, yes, of course I'm not gonna say nothing. Yeah. And kind of this, um, thought where no one's gonna believe you anyways.

Mm-hmm. Right? Because that's what he told the views dude would say, yeah. Oh, no one's gonna believe you if you ever tell. Yeah. Right. So if no one's ever gonna believe me, why would I tell? Yeah. And he had that much power over me with the things he could do to me. He must be right.

Kyle: Yeah. Because when you're in that age, someone in grade 12 or whatever is a, is a, an adult, but look it up.

Look up to them. And they're huge kids and Oh

Trevor: yeah. Those are the big kids in school. Like we went to a private school, right? Yeah. So the KA 12 school. Yeah. And you look at the kids in [00:28:00] grade panel 11, 12 at the cool kids. Yeah. Right. So the cool kids tell me this is normal. The cool kids like, they're like, okay, this is, this is,

Kyle: this is

Trevor: what's

Kyle: happening.

So you're driving to the cop shop and you get there and uh, do you still have an awareness of what, do you remember an awareness of what's going on or where you can get asked about? Or like, did you go to a private room with just one cop? Or how, how did that go?

Trevor: Yeah, so like kind of knew what was going on, but then you weren't, we weren't talking just 'cause there just that weight let guilt on you.

Mm-hmm. Like no one, no one was talking, no one was saying anything. And yeah, we just sat in the waiting room and I think we took one person at a time and for questioning, and I remember this, the police station, you go up the stairs, turn a corner and the room was on your right hand side and you sit there and I had a female officer, really nice lady, and she just sat there and started asking questions of what was going on, what happened.

And me and my 11-year-old mind thinking, I'm at fault. I'm going to jail for this. I'm not gonna tell 'em the real story, [00:29:00] thinking I'm gonna help smart the cops, like, they're not gonna know that there was this

Kyle: Yeah. Bad kid

Trevor: just tiptoeing around what happened. Yeah, yeah. Right. Oh, did this happen? Well, not really.

He tried to do that, but I wouldn't let him like bullshit. Yeah, right. Yeah. And they probably knew it. But they just had to hear a story. Yeah. But bloody scary going in there all by yourself, talking to a cop and they've got their little recorder sitting there and they got their little notepad. Yeah. You get there in probably an hour, hour and a half of questioning

Kyle: in, in hindsight, if like there was some, another 11-year-old kid that has to go do this tomorrow, because there is statistically, like what, what, what is the, what would be a safe environment for that kid to tell a story question?

Like would your, should your parents have been there with you? Like, should you, like, as an education from the cop side saying like, Hey, we think this happened to you, just so you know you're not in trouble. Like, did they pre preface that saying, you're not in trouble? Or like,

Trevor: [00:30:00] um, yeah, I don't know if she said that or not.

Top of my memory. I don't think she did, but I honestly, I don't remember exactly. Yeah. But what would be a safe environment? Yeah. Maybe having the parents there, but would they want to hear that right off the onset? Right. Like, probably not. And sometimes

Kyle: that is the parents that is abusing anyway, so,

Trevor: and yeah.

Right. And then, yeah. Have another cop there. I don't know. It's, that's,

Kyle: I mean you're, you're putting your an 11-year-old in a situation, they should never be in the first place. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Trevor: Right. So then, yeah, how do you make it comfortable?

Kyle: Yeah. Okay. Which I dunno, don't know. Yeah. But it's important nonetheless, because So you minimized it though because you thought you were in trouble?

Trevor: Yeah, I, I. Just, yeah, I was in trouble. Yeah. Right. And not even that day. Like I left the cop station that day and it would be years later, I see cops, like, I hope they don't come after me. Okay. Like even parents get pulled over. I'm like, like, just, hi [00:31:00] Trevor. Like they won't see you. They're not coming for you.

Kyle: So even if, and, and that was years later, even after you knew you weren't guilty? Oh yeah. And you still have a fear

Trevor: because that, there's that fear. I didn't tell the cops everything. Oh, okay. Yeah. Right. So the cops actually found out because maybe the abuser would've told him, Hey, no, I actually did this to Trevor.

Kyle: So how many years did it take from the time that you told your story initially to the time that you told it In detail? The whole thing without like minimizing it?

Trevor: What do you mean? Like, like

Kyle: were you told the, the whole, the whole truth and not just like try to say like, oh, it wasn't as bad as it

Trevor: Oh shoot.

Before I actually like verbalized it. That would've been freedom session.

Kyle: Okay. So that was like,

Trevor: or when I met my wife. Okay. So two years. I told her two year. Two years ago. Within the last two years

Kyle: I didn't hold. Okay. So that was something you carried up until from 11 to, or from nine to 33? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Trevor: Yeah, like there was like, when I came to my faith, like. By about 20 18, 20 19. Then there's a lot of those. I had those [00:32:00] conversations with God and myself. Yeah. But before actually bird replies did, like with Claire or like in my Freedom small group there, there was a lot of that stuff was just, just harboring inside myself.

Like no one needed to know those things. Yeah. So I just kept all to myself.

Kyle: Yeah. Okay. So you're, uh, you tell your story at the at at the cop station. Yeah. Do you, did your parents wanna know the story or did, or they didn't know you, so you didn't tell your parents then?

Trevor: Oh, they were a mess. I honestly couldn't remember what they were.

I mean, they're going through their own battle now, right? Yeah.

Kyle: Yeah. Of their own or their own guilt and shame and

Trevor: their own guilt, their own shame, their own feeling that they failed as parents. Um, everything. Right. Like, what would you do if one of your boys was abused? Right. Like, that would be

Kyle: pull out a gun

Trevor: probably.

Right? Like,

Kyle: I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, by the way. I'm just, I, well, I don't know. It's, yeah. But, but, uh, okay. So you, you, you get home one at two, two o'clock in the morning. Do you [00:33:00] know that your brothers were involved at that point yet? Either or, like, how did you figure that one out? Like how did you know that it was not just you?

Trevor: I think our parents would've said something. Okay. But we never spoke about it. Like, it wasn't until two months ago that me and one of my brothers actually had a heart to heart talk about things that happened. So we're talking, we've been harboring like this elephant in the room between our brothers.

That nobody has talked about it

Kyle: and why not

Trevor: just,

Kyle: there's just so much shame around it. He is too un much shame, uncomfortable and just Right.

Trevor: And then, okay, then, and then there's this too, right? Like, so I go to the police station. I only told part of my story. He gets off basically Scott free. Now I carry that guilt that I hurt my brothers more.

Right? Because

Kyle: you Oh, because you,

Trevor: because I didn't tell the full truth. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So maybe it's because I didn't tell the full truth. Now in court it looked [00:34:00] different. I understand this is your 11-year-old, 12-year-old, 13-year-old calling him like, I don't know how the course work. Yeah, yeah. Right. Like my parents took care of it all.

Like, yeah. So I was, I tell the truth. Do,

Kyle: do you know why he turned himself in?

Trevor: I have no

Kyle: idea. Okay. Uh, okay. So you're 11 years old. You go to the, the cop station, you, you go home and life continues, like, time continues. Yeah. Um, what happened after that? How did the, the court case go? H how, how did, how did your behavior start showing up as you go into adolescents and stuff?

Like how long did the court case take? What effect did it have on you?

Trevor: We'll talk about the court case a bit. Like, I don't know how long it took. I know going into grade eight it was done. So somewhere Betweening, when he turned himself in. Um, grade eight school started, so about maybe three quarter a year, half a year, whatever.

Yeah. And the details of court, I don't know much about it. I know my parents fought tooth and fucking nail. Um,

Kyle: we can beat that out.

Trevor: Um, [00:35:00] my parents, my parents fought tooth and nail for justice for whatever they were like, but there was just all kinds of, um, there was all kinds of things in the way, like his mom worked at the courthouse.

Um, so they, they tried to get it moved to different courthouse, but that would be a conflict of interest and it wasn't Right. Like they fought for this and then they fought her and they, they did what they did. Like they did what every parent should do for their kids when there's an abuse case is go to war for your children.

Kyle: Okay. So the, the case happens, you don't really know what's going on and the case ends. Yeah. When did you find out, did you know that he was arrested and getting in trouble? Did you know that like there was gonna be, that he was getting there's a consequence or?

Trevor: I knew he was arrested. Um, I still remember gonna school the next day and there was a cop because we had to drive by his house to go to school.

Mm-hmm. [00:36:00] Um, I remember the next morning there was cops by house and I'm kind of like on the bus, I'm like, what's going on? Like. And like, this is weird. Like, is he there? Is he not there? Is he still in jail? He better still be in jail. Like, there's all these weird things going through your head. Yeah. Right.

And then did you

Kyle: feel a sense of relief that like it was over,

Trevor: there's a relief it was over, but there's another whole war to start now. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Abuse is over, but now I have to go into survival mode.

Kyle: Yeah.

Trevor: Because no one's gonna

Kyle: know. Yeah. Oh, could you? 'cause 'cause it's still a secret. The details are still secret at the point.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The

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Inside the Mind of a Private Investigator: Fraud, Affairs, and Politicians | Steffan Moens | EP 42

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